Thursday, February 21, 2008

I'm, like, "DUDE!"

I want to say first that I've been basically doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and reading blogs for the past week, although today I cleaned up my house and also went to see some of the women's national curling championships with Manny and my in-laws. (This may be of interest only to Io, but afterward I drove to Moose Jaw to take the wrinklies home. )

My point is this: I have been reading the blogs of a bunch of stunningly courageous women, and I am so humbled. You inspire awe, truly, and I'm so glad I found you all.

I have more good things to say to you all, too, but I'll try to dilute my mushiness over multiple posts instead of making you think I'm an incurable kiss ass, which I am.

Nothing to exciting to report today. Yesterday's post (which I won't link to, although I thought about it, cause that would be really obnoxious since it's right there, for gosh sakes!) was pretty cathartic, and I was feeling a lot lighter today. Nice change.

My main bitch at the moment is about the bureaucracy of all this DI stuff. Manny had contacted a lawyer, just so we could get someone to explain everything to us. Surprisingly, there is a lot of conflicting and incomplete information on the Internet. Who knew? So the lawyer asked us to provide her with the standard form that donors would use once they are accepted into a donor program. Well, I've talked to 3 sperm banks so far, and they all seem to consider such a form "proprietary information." WTF?!? It's just a waiver, right? And don't they get that I am putting enormous trust in them, you know, to test the sperm properly, and send me the right samples so I don't wind up birthing a short or black or curly-haired baby? (Not to say that a short or black or curly-haired baby wouldn't be totally cute, but Manny and I could both literally be in a print campaign for a Scandinavian dairy company, and I'd rather not have to explain to total strangers who the father "really" is. Although it just occurred to me that it would be super funny if I had a baby that obviously could not be related to both Manny and I, but I just insisted that he really was the bio dad, no matter what awkward questions get asked. Hmm.)

I talked to one sperm bank the other day, and the woman I spoke to basically gave me no information, despite my quizzing her for a good 15 minutes about what their privacy policy was, whether they'd had any breaches ever, what the results of government inspections had been, etc. She was just totally vague on every single question I asked her, and basically seemed like she thought I didn't have any right or reason to ask these things.

And I'm, like, "DUDE!" I have to trust that everything goes as I think it will, then I have to tell some corporation when I actually have a baby, so they keep my info and my kid's info somewhere for their own records, then I might have to tell the federal government, but I'm not sure, cause nobody from there will even call me back! Don't you see how I might need a little reassurance that you're not just a bunch of freaks with a website and access to sperm? (Which, if you think about it, is, horrifyingly, everybody. Except me and a few of my girls out there.)

A big part of my resistance to DI is all this kind of crap. When I first started considering it, I was leaning towards a known donor - a friend or someone we know - because I thought I'd feel more comfortable with that. As time went on and I talked to my counsellor about it, I realized it's probably not in the best interest of my marriage or my own sanity to use a known donor. I'm way too obsessive and prone to romantic fantasizing (especially when things aren't rockin' on the home front) to make it work, and my counsellor raised a lot of good points about the donor's family then wanting to have a relationship with the child (e.g. it would be their granchild/niece/ nephew and that could cause a whole world of trouble, not to mention does anyone really need another set of in-laws? Mine are great and all, but learning to be part of one extra family is enough for me.)

So I changed my mind, and moved on to an unknown donor, although I will still insist on an open ID donor so when my my kid turns 18 they can find out who the donor is. But the idea of having all kinds of different agencies keeping tabs on us somehow and having to know who we are and how we got our kid - I'm not so excited about that. I know there are all kinds of good reasons for them knowing about us, but it still creeps me out a bit. I really would like to go on and have a normal life once I get a kid or 2 or 3, and being in multiple databases as someone who was inseminated with the sperm of a total stranger doesn't really play that big of a part in the normal life I have in mind. Not to mention that the legislation governing assisted human reproduction in Canada is relatively new, and seems to still be in flux to some extent, although I'd have a much better idea if a certain someone in Ottawa could call a girl back.

I guess I just don't like not knowing things, and I'm trying to grasp at as much certainty as I can because I've had precious little so far. And some straight answers from people who are supposed to be working for the public good would definitely go a long way right about now.

Just once I'd like to write a short post, and I bet you all would like that, too. That will be my goal for next week, maybe. Gotta dash - an original episode of Law & Order awaits. I'm not quite sanctimonious enough, so I need Ben Stone to give me some lessons.


Io said...

DUDE. I am totally all about coming up and going to Moose Jaw. I even told my husband about it and he thinks it sounds fabulous. You may have been joking, but I am totally coming to visit at some point.

I love the idea of you walking around insisting your Italian baby was Manny's.
I keep trying to think of insightful comments about this post but everything I start sounds stupid - so just imagine me nodding and making sympathetic noises as I read.

Io said...

Craziness. We were posting on each others blogs at THE SAME TIME. Dum dum DUUUUM.

the Babychaser: said...

Are you going through an IF clinic on your end for the insemination? Does your clinic have a list of reputable donors? 'Cause this whole thing seems a lot scarier than I had thought when I was looking into it.

Your comment about passing off your Indian baby (see how diverse Io and I can be?) as your own cracked me up. Reminded me of a story my friend told me. Apparently, people are just as obnoxious and inappropriate with adoption as with infertility. My friend has a good friend who adopted a Korean baby. Once, a stranger in the park asked her who the father was. "I don't know," she replied blandly.

Cracked me up.

The Town Criers said...

I also think the points you made at the Virtual Lushary are interesting too. The level of trust it requires --on 3000 levels. Do a whole post on that :-) That's your assignment for the week.