Today was the kind of day when I just feel angry and sad all day long, but nothing in particular set it off. It could very likely be partly related to the parasite/yeast cleanse I just started a few days ago on the advice of my naturopath. She's helped me do so much healing over the past 2 years, and I totally trust her. But I'm hoping this current "healing crisis" is over soon, cause it's a serious drag. The info that came with some of the herbs I'm taking for this cleanse said that I should be grateful to get symptoms because it means my body is talking to me. And I am, really, but sometimes I just need a break. And no such break seems to be forthcoming as I face the next 27 days killing the beasties within.
The thing about infertility I fear the most is that the crazy intensity of all the sadness, anger, jealousy, self-pity, anxiety, and loneliness is never going to go away. That no matter what happens, whether I have a baby or not, I'm never going to get a break from it. And right now, that seems almost worse to me than not having a baby.
I have some experience with this in relation to my health over the past few years. I was having some weird symptoms but the regular doctors weren't able to figure anything out, so I went to a naturopath and she completely changed my life. For the better, totally. But I've also had to radically change my diet, take piles of supplements, and give up all crutches - no caffeine, alcohol, and now, no sugar! It can be a real bitch on days like this to not have something to take the edge off. And I feel like I'm staring down the rest of my life with no crutches, no breaks, and it really terrifies me and pisses me off.
All of this only adds to my fury that I can't just be LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! I don't get to have a baby like everybody else, I can't use booze or even food to comfort me or stuff my feelings like everybody else, I can't be healthy without taking extreme crunch-tastic action like everybody else, I can't seem to handle a full-time job like everybody else...
I know that "everybody else" is completely fictional. But days like this, when the misery and self-pity have me wandering around the house in a daze, unable to do anything other than fantasize about junk food and watch old Law & Order episodes, they sure feels real.
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4 comments:
Have you been hiding in our closet listening to me and my husband? I can't tell you how many times we have been pissed that we aren't "normal". I too have some health issues (MS) and my husband is infertile. I also worry that I won't be able to leave the bitterness behind me when (if) we get pregnant.
Welcome to Infertility Island - may your stay be short.
How is your husband doing? I've often wondered if it's harder being an infertile man than it is an infertile woman...
As for the bitterness in pregnancy, well, I haven't found it to go completely away. I still get irrationally jealous and think, well, think like an infertile, and to be honest, I don't expect that to leave. I'm not sure I want it to? I don't want to forget this part of my journey to parenthood...but who knows, maybe it won't make a difference in a few weeks time.
THanks for the welcome. I think my husband is doing ok, although it's pretty hard to tell sometimes. It's a bit of an ongoing struggle to get him to talk about it, but my sense is that infertility is painful for him because it's painful for me, not necessarily because he has the same longing for a child that I do (he actually has an adult son, so his genetic lineage has been established. This really helped, I think, to make him open to DI.) And I also think that men often seem to be so much more concerned with their partners - they don't like seeing us in pain, and they'd rather focus on solving the problem that's causing us pain than spend time within themselves with their own pain.
At least that's my experience. It can be a bit of a drag sometimes, when I want him to share more of what he's going through, but on the other hand, it's amazingly helpful sometimes to have someone who doesn't get so bogged down in neurotic freak-outs as I do, someone who's just focussed on the solution.
I understand that fury. I also understand all the food issues. I had to whittle away my diet to the point the only thing I could tolerate without symptoms was formula through a feeding tube shoved down my nose. When that was too emotionally damaging for me (high school senior) I pulled it out and had to drink the stuff for 3 months. I very well know the menus of evil, offering only a salad and maybe chicken- once you grill the poor waitress on how it is cooked and where it is cooked and what else is in it. PRAYING there is at least a salad so you can pretend to be a normal person and at least eat something as you sip your water. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It sucks. :(
I'm REALLY sorry you can understand that crushing weight of so much on you at once and being unable to shift it at all. Sending you some hugs too. Thank you for your support.
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