Things are going a bit better today - my extreme angst of Friday has subsided a bit. We went out to the lake with friends who have a cabin out there, and had a big fire last night, and went snowshoeing today. It was good to spend time with other humans, and just have some fun. The fun thing is not something I'm naturally that good at, although I do try. I've always been a bit uptight, ever since I was a kid, and being sad and grouchy all the time really doesn't help my quest for fun and lightness.
I've been wondering who to tell about this blog. So far, my husband (since I can't yet bring myself to use "DH", he needs a nickname, so I'll call him Manny) knows I have it but I haven't sent him the link yet. I probably will, although that precludes me from ranting about him in my posts. That's probably a very good thing, as I tend to be pretty good at ranting in my head, and pretty bad at actually ever talking to him about stuff until it builds up and I have a little sobfest. Poor Manny, always getting blindsided by my freakouts.
I've only told one other person in my life about this blog, and it's a friend who lives overseas and who struggled with infertility for years prior to having her son. I know she understands what I'm going through, and there is no risk of anything I write becoming gossip fodder. That has already happened at least once that I know of among my friends here, and I'd like to be able to speak freely without worrying that it's going to become a little topic of interest among my extended circle of friends.
The people I wonder about most are my parents and sisters. I am very close to all of them, and they all pretty much know where we're at in the journey. But sometimes I struggle in this - the relationship becomes difficult when they offer advice (well-meaning, of course) or talk about my situation in a way that wounds me deeply, or just shows that they don't really understand what I'm going through. I wonder whether it is best to look for support from people who do understand, and leave the real life relationships for real life.
But at the same time, I'm refining and clarifying my thoughts in these posts. I'm writing with my heart and my mind. I'm expressing the parts of the journey that I tend to edit out when I share my situation the people in my life. And I don't have the energy to do that in all of my relationships all the time. The idea that I could invite my parents and sisters to read my blog to get a better sense of what I'm dealing with seems appealing. They can read, digest, think and hopefully learn - all in the comfort of their own computers, all in the safety of not being in a conversation with me right at the moment, all without me having to cry in public, be angry at them for not reacting the way I want, have the same conversations over and over - it all sounds so very nice.
Any thoughts, brave comrades? Experiences of tragedy and/or triumph would be most welcome. Little old annacyclopedia doesn't have a clue on this one.
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3 comments:
I've opted to not let anyone know about my blog. My husband knows I have it, but I don't think he reads it.
I think what matters is why you're doing it. For me, it was a way to explore some of my darkest fears and deepest frustrations. And I wanted to be able to say ANYTHING. My best friend is one of those fertime Myrtles...I wanted to be able to scream about her if I needed to, without her feeling badly about her reading my reactions to things that aren't her fault.
But if you want to use this as a platform to spread information to those who may not get it, that's great too. It's a way to share your journey and to let people know what you're going through. I avoided that because I don't like being quizzed on where I am in my cycle or accidentally hurting someone's feelings because they think I'm writing about them.
So the question is: What do you want this blog to do for you?
Weelll...it's a lovely idea, letting one's family in - everyone knows I have a blog, but I think only Mr Oro reads B&M, and that's pretty rarely - but I suspect that knowing you have family reading can keep you from fully expressing the negative emotions. Like when they're being jerks, but you don't want to say so for being offensive, even though that's how you really feel.
On the other leaf, you can always password protect those posts where you really need to vent about family, yet still let your family read the less explosive stuff!
Six of one, half dozen of the other...
I didn't tell any family members about my blog and only a few friends. If they knew I wouldn't have as much freedom and I want to be able to say whatever I want.
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