The title comes from the amazingly fantastically great Anne Lamott, who somewhere said that she has 2 prayers: "help, help, help" and "thank you, thank you, thank you." I'm paraphrasing, and if I've got this wrong in any way, please forgive me as I've had a shit day.
My neighbour, who is also a friend of sorts (the kind who is so desperately in need most of the time that the friendship is a one-way deal), is suicidal. She's talked about it with me before, and I know more than I ever wanted to know about how crappy one person's life can be. But when she raised it again today, something in me felt it was more serious than it has been in the past. (Oh, how I regret not taking it more seriously in the past.)
I won't go into all the details of what she said or how my day was derailed dealing with this. I was never in imminent harm, and neither was she, unless you count feeling like God has put you on the earth to commit suicide.
Tonight, I spoke to my mom and dad, who are a prison chaplain and psychiatric nurse, respectively, to ask for advice. They're perfectly trained to advise me on this, which came in really handy today. Then I spoke to the suicide prevention hotline and developed a plan of action - I went and checked on her, gave her the means to reach out for help, and asked her to promise me that she wouldn't harm herself tonight. She sort of did and sort of didn't promise that. I told her I would check on her tomorrow, and that if she didn't call her counsellor tomorrow, that I would do that for her. She was angry with me. I repeated that I wasn't able to deal with this alone, and that we needed to get other people involved, people who were trained to help her.
So that's where we left it. I have a feeling that she's going to be really angry with me for taking action on this, and may likely decide not to talk to me. At this point, it would be a welcome relief, to be horribly blunt. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it still hurts like hell and I'm really worried about her. I'm also angry that she's dumping this on me and expecting me to keep it a secret, and sad that a lot of my energy is going towards this when both my sisters and their families are coming to town tomorrow, and I'm hosting Easter on Saturday and want to be enjoying a rare occasion when most of my family is together.
It's late, and I'm doing this post before I go to bed to ask you: help, help, help. If you pray, please pray for me and for Gail, my neighbour. If you just think good thoughts, or send energy, please do that, too, or instead. I'm praying this prayer myself as often as I can collect myself, but I'm feeling alone in the woods tonight.
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5 comments:
Sweetie, that is a huge burden to carry. You cannot possibly do it alone. I think you did the right thing by seeking advice.
"At this point, it would be a welcome relief, to be horribly blunt. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it still hurts like hell and I'm really worried about her."
You *are* doing the right thing. I had a friend (and by friend I also mean the one-way kind) who was bipolar in college and I basically became her caretaker. I took her to the emergency room, I forced her to get help, I kept her medicine and doled it out because she kept threatening to overdose on it. I woke up when she called me at 3am and I called the police when she called me from god-only-knows where to say she was driving and didn't know where she was and had run somebody's car off the road.
It was the crappiest friendship I ever had because it was all on me.
Here's the thing. It damn near ruined my life because I let her use me like this. I knew I would feel guilty if something happened to her and so in a way I enabled her to keep acting like that. Even after she got on the right meds and found more friends and her life seemed ok in all other aspects, she would still have issues and come running to me. Because she discovered that being sick was the way she coudl get attention and love and babying. I had to finally end the friendship because it wasn't just unhealthy for me - it was unhealthy for her.
As hard as it was and as much as it sucked, it was the right thing. I know that your circumstance isn't exactly the same, but what I am blabbering on and trying to say is that it isn't fair for her to use you like this. She KNOWS that what she is doing by talking to you is calling for help. You did the right thing, even if she acts angry.
I always found that N_ would have a meltdown just when I needed to get away and pay attention to somebody else. Don't let this ruin your Easter.
Uh, hope something in there made sense and wasn't too angry.
I have a long history of anxiety and depression so maybe I can offer a tiny bit of insight...
Although I've never been to the point of seriously contemplating suicide, I have been in some very, very dark places.
If she is angry with you, it may be because she embarrassed or ashamed with her situation. She probably wants to keep it quiet and between you. When you get that deep into despair and depression you feel like you don't want profession help. The depression is what you're used to and in a way it almost feels comforting(??) No, maybe comforting isn't the right word - but it's what you're used to. It's what you know. And anything else seems really scary. Help seems really scary.
But I truly think that if she's talking to you about it, then whether she knows it or not, she wants help. If she was sure that suicide was the answer, she would be gone.
You should NOT have to deal with this on your own and you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by involving her , by speaking to your parents (professionals) about it, and by contacting the suicide hotline. You are doing the right thing by taking it seriously and you have gone to the places to get her help.
I agree with IO that you cannot take too much of this on yourself. As sweet and kind and intelligent as you obiously are - you need to see yourself as a messenger. You got the message from her and now you must pass it on to someone(s) who is trained to deal with it and help her get well.
On a personal note, thank you for being so compassionate to someone who is mentally unwell.
Agreeing with everyone's posts above. I think you have such the right attitude. It doesn't matter what she feels about you telling other people - this was something that had to be done. As someone who's been in that place more than once, believe me when I tell you that she's not herself right now. You are hearing her depression talking. Her brain is trying to kill herself, and you are helping her to take back her mind.
Take good care of yourself, hon, the kind of care that you give to those around you.
Jendeis - you hit the nail on the head with "she's not herself right now. You are hearing her depression talking. Her brain is trying to kill herself, and you are helping her to take back her mind."
That's the perfect way to describe it.
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