Well that was a crazy week! Went up to see my sister and my nephews and my mom who was in the province for a week. Drove back home Friday with my mom, hosted a little party for her on Saturday, Sunday drove out to my best friend's because her oldest son is really struggling in life right now and she was in serious crisis and needed help with her 3 younger kids and with life in general. Came home yesterday and am absolutely knackered. So I spent the morning watching Coronation Street and lounging around. Feeling much better but I never want to drive again. My sister and best friend both live over 2 hours away, in opposite directions. Unfortunately, I'll be heading out to my best friend's again on Sunday because she's getting baptized along with her kids. That's the kind of thing I'd feel really bad about missing, even though the thought of leaving my house just makes me exhausted.
So I'm sorry, dear internets, for neglecting you all and for not posting. Kate is right - it has been a bit quiet on some fronts lately. Good thing she has been providing us all with fabulous questions to ponder and tales of hospital stays and ugly pictures. Otherwise life would be dull indeed.
I'm having a bit of a mini-freak out about the impending start of really trying. Because I'm thinking about having a child, and how hard it is, and how my relationship with Manny needs some serious work. I struggle with a lot of resentment towards him for not responding to me the way I want him to, and for not really sharing what he's going through. And I feel like adding a baby into this is just going to make it worse. Like the dog - I'm the one that wanted the dog, and I'm the one that takes care of the dog 99% of the time. But he did want the dog, too, and he gets to enjoy the dog and play with him. It's just that I am the one doing all the walking and feeding and bathing and stuff. And I have a terrible feeling it's going to be the same with a baby - if I want him to do stuff with the baby, I'm going to have to ask and spell it all out for him really clearly. That's how everything is in our relationship. I know it's stupid to think he should be able to ever read my mind, and I really know that I need to work harder at asking for what I need. But sometimes I just get so tired. I just want him to see what needs to be done and to do it. And to see that I need help, without me having to ask.
I worry that the baby is going to be the same way, and I think deep down I am afraid that he doesn't really want the baby. Even though he's assured me that he does, even though he's really excited that the sperm is ordered (yes, we picked a donor - more on that in a bit), even though he has undergone painful ball surgery to try to get me knocked up the easy way. When we met, he didn't want any more kids. He'd had the snip and that's where he was at. And as we got more in love, and started thinking about a future together, he changed his mind. There is a part of me that has a real hard time accepting this - that I have a man who will pretty much do whatever will make me happy. I want a baby - he changes his plan for no more kids, he has surgery, he accepts using a donor because I don't feel IVF is right for me. I know that if I ask him for help - around the house, with the dog, with a baby - he'll try to do it. I guess I just feel sometimes that it is really difficult to have that responsibility. I could abuse it so easily, his willingness to do what I ask of him. And it also means I need to be really clear about my own desires, or else it's not fair to him.
I don't know, this all seems like rambling right now. I know this will get better - the intensity of these feelings come and go in me - and I also know that I am still learning how to take care of myself and be clear about what I need. It's not something I learned to do as a child, so I'm learning now. And that's ok, even though it's frustrating sometimes. Or all the time. I just wish things were easy, you know?
Ok - the donor. I'm not telling anyone any details about the donor for sure. It seems like it's really something that should be private between me and Manny and our future child(ren) and for the kid(s) to share with people if they decide to do that. I have to say it was incredibly fun choosing the donor, and way easier than I thought. Our pool was limited by a number of factors - there was really only 1 bank to choose from (there is one in Canada but they don't do open ID for some reason, and that was non-negotiable for me), so we went with Xytex, which has a Canadian subsidiary. That was important because my clinic is only licensed as a sperm distributor, not a sperm importer, so I couldn't just order from any US or international sperm bank, cause they are not interested in jumping through all the Health Canada hoops to change their licensing status. And then the Canadian distributor only has the Canadian compliant donors, which are tested to a different (I think higher) standard than the larger pool of donors available for use in the US. So once we put in our physical characteristics into the mix (and we were a bit flexible on this, but really, as I've mentioned before, curly hair would really not work for us) it was quite a manageable number.
The best part was that Manny and I agreed right away which donor we liked the best, and we liked him WAY more than anyone else. We made a shortlist, but we really were attached to this particular donor. Everything - from his interests, his physical characteristics (there was a kid photo and an adult photo), his essay, his reasons for donating - all of it really spoke to us.
As an aside, if you have $165 to burn for 6 months of entertainment, consider getting access to donor profiles. It is hilarious, although I suppose much more so if you're trying to consider these guys as your potential donor and bio dad of your children. The interests are sometimes so random - modern dance, anyone? And that was from a guy that looked a bit lumberjack-y and totally un-modern dance-y. Weird. And lots and lots of bowlers. I take it that bowling must be big in the South? (Xytex is headquartered in Georgia.) Then there's a spot on the profile for "celebrity look-alike." And one guy actually put "John Tesh." He was actually pretty handsome and seemed alright in other respects, too, and made it into the top 3, but I'm glad to report that I won't be trying to have John Tesh's baby next month.
Then the photos. There were 2 or 3 where the guys were shirtless, and at least one that looked like it had been taken by a professional gay porn producer trying to get a new boy into the business after supplying him with a full torso waxing and a few joints. You know, jeans, workboots, flannel shirt tied around the waist, reclining in a barn doorway with one arm draped over a bended knee, looking knowingly at the camera. What the hell? Only one of us needs to masturbate to make this baby, and it's not me.
Anyway, it was easy. One evening of looking at profiles, talking it over a bit, and that was it. I called the next day and talked to the most AMAZING woman at the Canadian distributor. She rocks so hard - we made jokes, she told me info, and generally totally ruled. Hopefully I won't have to talk to her again now that I've ordered 5 vials of sperm. Unfortunately, they only had washed samples from this donor right now, and although I'm planning to do ICI where you can use unwashed and save some money, this donor is totally worth it. I need to discuss with my doctor a bit more about this - they said they can do ICI with washed sperm, it's just more expensive cause the samples cost more and then you do 2 tries as opposed to just one with IUI. I need to ask them whether they'd be willing to do unmedicated IUI with me so I can make the samples last longer and have better chance of success. Anytime I've discussed it with them, they just seem to see ICI as unmedicated and IUI as medicated. I guess that's just the way they do things. But I don't see any reason to not try unmedicated IUI. I'll try to give my doctor a call in the next week or so to ask about that. Might as well.
So that's my updates for now. I'm still madly in love with my dog, whose name is going to stay Lucky. I actually sort of like the classic dog names as opposed to the trendier people names that so many dogs have now. Plus he's the only Lucky at the dog park. So he stands out for his cuteness and his name. He is madly in love with me, too, and cries everytime I leave him with someone else. I need to take him to school and work with him on that - he doesn't destroy anything in the house if he's alone, but I feel bad leaving him at all if he gets distressed. I tied him up outside a shop last week and he chewed through his leash in about 3 minutes! Fortunately a friend was there and caught him for me - he was just headed to the door of the shop to find me, but who knows if he would have stayed around. I had left him outside places before and he seemed fine, so maybe something just spooked him. Anyway, we just need to work on his confidence a bit and teach him how to listen a bit better. I know he can be the kind of dog that doesn't tug on his leash and who always comes when I call, it'll just take some work to get there. And although Lucky can't talk, I know he was very happy and relieved about the return of Charlie. We all were.
My tulips have pushed up a few inches in spite of it being cold here again, the cranesbill I put in last year is starting to come in, the rhubarb has little curled up leaves under the dead ones from last year, and my yarrow is already greening up. It's splendid. How does your garden grow, internets?
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I did 1 unmedicated IUI where I called the clinic when I got a positive ovulation test and came in the following day for the insemination. I was convinced I had misinterpreted the ovulation predictor so the next 2 months we did an unmedicated IUI with montoring and I had a trigger shot to make sure the eggs shot out at the appropriate time. Insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments so it began to get pricey. I pay for each ultrasounds ($100), the vial of sperm ($900 a vial) and the insemination (tack on another $300). I found it hard to get the negatives and wanted to become more agressive so I moved onto Clomid. My doctor just told me it would take longer without fertility meds.
Good to see you back in blogland. The donor selection sounds very interesting. I'm glad you found your "guy's guys" and have the ball rolling.
I laughed my ass off at the strange intersection of gay porn and sperm donation. What a wacky world we live in, eh?
I think bowling is big in the Midwest, especially the Upper Midwest.
It's really hard to deal with a man who's, well, passive. Passive doesn't mean bad (though sometimes our culture judges passive men unjustly). If you sat down with him and asked him what he thinks about the future children and his role in their lives, will he be able to talk about it? Has he even thought that far ahead?
You may be forced to simply stop making decisions in some areas. His lack of involvement might be a way of straddling yes and no: He gets to say yes to you and doesn't have to confront you or his own feelings and risk conflict. I was married to a man who retreated in situations he was uncomfortable or unwilling to deal with, and left all the decision making and executive functions to me. It's an exhausting place to be.
Why not spend a little extra money to go see a couples therapist? Or even go yourself, if the idea doesn't appeal to dh, just to see if there are any ways you can stop contributing to the dynamic and get more of what you want. I don't know if you'll have much time to ponder these important issues once a baby's in the picture...
Just my two silly cents.
Shinejil - your comments are never silly! Always thoughtful and brimming with insight.
I do go to counselling myself and a lot of what I deal with there has to do with my marriage. Manny came with me once when we first got the news about his reversal not working and we were just deciding what to do. I really struggle with bringing things up with him - when I do it in the heat of emotion, he just completely shuts down and it drives me crazy. And when I do it more calmly (my counsellor has taught me some strategies to do this) it works ok even though he still really doesn't talk, but I often get caught up in resenting that I'm having to do that. And that's all my stuff to deal with. Lots of work to do.
I think your suggestion of asking him to imagine his future role as a father is a very good one. He does much better having that kind of talk - about vision or possibility - than he does about an immediate problem. Whereas I tend to go at it from a critical perspective, and that it really unhelpful if I want him to respond in any way other than eye-blinking.
Ideally, I'd like him to have his own counsellor to learn how to communicate with me better and process strong emotions more easily. However, he rarely sees problems where I see problems. This is one disadvantage of being married to an older man - they are not very malleable at all! But I'm working on it anyway...
I totally hear, you a...pedia! I know the joys of the emotional outburst approach with a guy who's not a big talker. It's exhausting and so saddening...And calculated cool discussions when you want to scream are just awful. I'm glad you've got someone to guide you through this. Sounds like you're on the right road.
On a completely unrelated gardening note, what are the summers like up there?
Heh, I think you've read how my garden grows already! It grows in leaps and bounds and will be supplemented regularly this spring and summer as I have the time and money to add to it!
And yeah, if I had $165 to spare, I would totally peruse the selection of donors. I always wonder about that. I mean, it's a little uncomfortable filling out a MySpace (or the like) profile, trying to explain yourself to strangers, while still keeping it real in case someone you know happens upon it, but MAN. I couldn't imagine trying to describe myself to someone who was hoping to use my DNA to make a baby! I bet it was interesting at worst, and fascinating and hilarious at best.
"I just want him to see what needs to be done and to do it. And to see that I need help, without me having to ask."
I'm exactly the same with Mr H! I'm forever getting annoyed with him because he hasn't recognised that I'm upset, or in need of support. He then gets annoyed with me 'because I expect him to be a mind reader'. Over the years, I've learnt that it's better to try and tell him calmly how I'm feeling at that particular moment, rather than saying things like 'you never listen' or 'you never help around the house'. Men can be very literal creatures, and statements like 'you never' or 'you always' just lead them to list all the times when they did or didn't do a particular thing!
The next time the topic of children comes up - if you go to visit friends or relatives with young children - you could perhaps ask Manny how he thinks your lives will change if you have a baby. That might be one very concrete way of getting him to think about these things.
Your description of the various sperm donors made me laugh. I'm glad you managed to find one you both felt was right for you - whether or not he likes modern dance and bowling!
Glad you are enjoying Lucky's company and that he is staying: Lucky!
Although we arent down the donor path (something we have definitely talked about) we have had to deal with Mook's feelings a lot over the past year--we finally went to counseling which has helped us-I too started to worry that he didnt want to go through this at all. Its all just a big mind fu**. Im actually worried about him at this moment, as he is getting another analysis done...
Thats awesome that you all both agreed on the donor--best of luck in the steps to come. I'll be cheering for you!
Wow. You must be NORTH. Tulips here are almost done. Almost all of the trees are fully leafed out, and my garden is already resembling a jungle. Weeds and all. Oh the joys of living in a swamp. It's a mess, but it's a very green mess.
I really hear your fears about what your relationship with your man will be like post-baby. I'm going through some of the same stuff myself. After being so smug for so long about how great my marriage is, I'm almost ashamed to be such a mess about it right now.
Hopefully you won't have to be so vocal about your needs when you have a baby. But if you do have to be that way, I bet it won't bother you as much as it does now. I just wish this all wasn't so hard.
I'm following your donor sperm stories with interest. J and I have decided to do more IVF (shared risk) instead of going with a donor (he was starting to get ready to do donor, but I nixed the idea, not ready yet). But I think we've agreed that, when we can't take any more IVF, we'll try some IUI's with donor sperm before we try to adopt.
It's like a half-adoption.
Do you worry that, if you don't tell anyone (like family) about the donor sperm, it'll be weird when they keep talking about whether the baby looks like his/her daddy? Or whether there will be horrible hurt feelings years later? When will you tell your kid?
Things I've been pondering lately.
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