i'm back

With deep thoughts. Oh yes. It was really only a matter of time. It is my nature - I can't help it, really. What can you possibly expect from someone who wrote angsty poetry from grade 5 onwards, went on to get a philosophy degree, and who now spends the vast majority of her time alone, pondering the nature of her existence? And who adopted the ridiculously long and certainly pompous nickname of "Annacyclopedia"? (Although in fairness to me, it was actually bestowed upon me by someone else, someone who is very dear to me and who has survived her own struggles of the baby making variety. If you're reading this, my darling, you know who you are. Mwah!)

I've been a bit of a basket case all week. I've been incredibly exhausted and the smallest burst of energy quickly fades. And, as you remember from my last post, I couldn't string a thought together to save my life, and I've been wandering around the house like an extra in Shaun of the Dead, the end of which I'm watching right now. It takes me an hour to make lunch for myself because I can't stay on task for more than 10 seconds and I keep getting distracted by every little thing that pops into my mind. I wipe the counter down and remember I should throw the cloth in the laundry, which turns into rounding up laundry and starting to sort it out, then I remember the dog is probably busting for a pee, so I take him out quickly, and then I need to get something out of the freezer for supper, which reminds me I should tidy up the back porch where our deep freeze is, and on and on and on.

I've been so frustrated with myself being in this state of mind. So little patience, and even though I know it's a sign that I need to just stop and pay attention to my process, I have responded by trying to push myself to be productive and get things done. Today, in my meditation group, one of the members mentioned how he was having trouble quieting his mind during the meditation because he was excited about something. And I suddenly remembered that I'm excited. I'm excited, and I need the time to really enjoy my excitement. I think that my trying to keep a lid on my excitement is why I'm having so much trouble focussing on anything these days - I've been waiting so long for this to happen and I'm scared of being disappointed, so I'm trying to stuff it down. And I just need to stop doing that. I know lots of people in the blogosphere seem to think that hope is a bitch, but I just don't work that way. I have been trying for years to let my feelings get felt, right when they happen. And if hope is fluttering around, then all I can do is let her be there, right along with excitement and joy and happiness and fear and anxiety and worry and everything else that comes up for me.

When I try to stuff feelings away, I stop functioning in some other part of my life. I've been through enough around this that I should realize this sooner, but I guess it's only been a week - a vast improvement over the 4 years it took me to quit my job. My body or my mind or my soul will start to misfire if I'm not paying attention. So as of today, I'm going to try to pay better attention to everything that is coming up for me in this, my first real cycle. And to try to enjoy the anticipation and the excitement, just as they are, regardless of the outcome. My counsellor reminded me the other day that I have no control over whether this is going to work. All the spiritual work, emotional work, physical work I'm doing - it will not determine whether a new life is going to come to me in this cycle, or in any other. It is so hard for me to accept that it's not me controlling the world through my actions, although it is absurdly obvious. But there it is. The reason I do the spiritual work is to take care of myself. As my teacher said today: We can't change the "what" in life, but we can change the "how." The only thing in my control is how I respond to what I'm going through - I can't change the fact that suffering will happen, that things I don't want will happen. So to take care of myself, of my tender little heart that so deeply wants a new life to sprout in me this cycle, I'm going to open myself up to the swirling mass of emotion and everything that comes with it. Right now, it's a mixture of excitement and fear. And that's just fine. There really is no need to change it or keep it under control. If I am disappointed, I will survive that. And if I get pregnant, I will survive that, too.

My mom said recently that she saw a sign that said "Either way, it's going to hurt." I like that so much better than the idea that everything is going to work out for the best, or it's all good, or everything's going to be ok. They are the same thing, in a way, but the truth is that there is suffering on every path, and it's much more helpful for me to remember that than to cling to the belief that everything will work out. It's so easy for me to get tricked into believing that there really is a "golden ticket" that will take away all the pain of this journey, that if I just do things right, if I just get pregnant within the first few cycles, if it all goes according to plan, well, I'll get to escape all the pain I've gone through. But that is bullshit of the highest order. There will always be something happening that I wish wasn't happening. That's how life is.

As I'm re-reading this, I realize that in some ways I've contradicted what I said earlier about embracing hope and excitement. But I'm going to leave it. This is the contradiction I've learned from Buddhism and my meditation practice that I love so deeply - when we open ourselves up to suffering, we open ourselves up to everything, including joy. And when we close ourselves down and try to avoid suffering, we end up closing down the good stuff, too. So I do my best to open my heart to my experience, and slowly, slowly, slowly...I'm changing. And I feel good. I feel strong.

And now for some facts.

Yesterday I invited some friends round for supper as they just came back from a trip to NYC and I figured (rightly) that they had no food in the house. So I made an amazing curry supper with 2 curries and rice and papadums and even pakora from scratch (yes, I am proud of myself). The pakora turned out so well and they were so ridiculously easy that I plan to make them all the time - I am so crazy about them that I could eat a whole mound of them in one sitting. Mmmm, with a spicy chutney and a sweet one, maybe a bit of yogurt..... I've decided that I want to start mastering certain kinds of cooking - I'm definitely on my way with Indian, and I'm working on Japanese. It's sort of weird because even though I lived in Japan for 3 years, I really didn't learn to cook much Japanese food. I guess because I was always craving food from home - we ate out a lot over there and it always seemed pointless to try cooking stuff when we could get it so much better in a restaurant. It really is fun to get super good at making particular meals or types of food. My regular cooking tends toward what my dad always calls "food that schmecks, " which is both the title of a Mennonite cookbook and another way of saying "comfort food." I make a damn fine meatloaf, and this winter I invented at least 3 chicken casseroles completely from scratch and they were totally delicious. The one with mushrooms, rosemary and a creamy sauce is Manny's favorite...I'm such a housewife! I am hoping at some point I will get organized enough to post some recipes here, because I really like getting recipes from other people's blogs (Oro over at Birch and Maple had a fantastic one a while back for this. I haven't made them yet but I am so going to.) For now, though, I will focus on posting more often than once a week. And I need to get back to Stirrup Queens to check out NaComLeavMo. I didn't quite grasp all the details during my first read, and I am often hestitant to make commitments because I tend to break them and because I'm quite hard on myself I feel REALLY bad about it and think I'm the worst person on the earth. If I think I can manage joining in without abusing myself (and I don't mean in the fun way), I certainly will, as I think it's quite a laudable thing and will no doubt be very fun. That Mel, always invigorating the community with her brilliance and good ideas. What a swell gal!