I've been carrying around this post in my brain for a while now. Hopefully what comes out here matches up with the confusing and not so good thoughts that have been banging around in there. In a recent post, I was talking about how much trust I need to have in the whole donor sperm process, and some of the fears I have about what could go wrong. And I wrote this:
And don't they get that I am putting enormous trust in them, you know, to test the sperm properly, and send me the right samples so I don't wind up birthing a short or black or curly-haired baby?
A few people commented in a way that made me think about why I wrote what I wrote, specifically about race. And I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable about why "black" was the first place my head went. I've thought a lot about it - is it because I live somwhere that there aren't a lot of people of African descent? Is it because I am white, so my subconcious/ social conditioning/(?) says that black must be the opposite and the most different from me, looks-wise? Or is it just plain old racism, deeply internalized to the point where I, like most good liberal, open-minded people, just think it doesn't exist? And although I've thought about this a lot since that post, I still don't have any good answers. I'll probably be thinking about this for a long time to come.
My anxiety about having a child that looks like me and Manny is definitely there - although I plan to be open with my child and with most people we know about how we conceived, I don't want to be forced into it by having a child that looks so different from either one of us that I'll have to have the conversation with random strangers, or endure idiotic comments about the milkman. But if my nightmare of sperm vial mix-ups actually happened, I'd be no less spared that experience if I wound up with a donor who was Italian, Indian, Chinese, or Lebanese than if my donor turned out to be of African descent. So why was that my first thought? Again, I don't know. I do know that my fears about having a child that looks like me are not limited to race - curly hair would definitely be a tough one to explain, and so would brown eyes, and so would shortness (although obviously less of a concern in the short term...most babies I know are pretty darn short.) And I also know that by the time I birth my baby, my love for her or him will be even more cemented than it already is, regardless of anything else.
I guess I wanted to write this post in part to apologize to anybody who was offended by that post, and in part to work this through myself. There are so many issues in all of this DI stuff that I feel I'm just starting to get a grip on - like the fact that browsing donor profiles always feels a bit too eugenic for my liking, and sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if I shouldn't be signing up to be a foster parent, too, or instead. This is one that was unexpected, and I really thank the commenters who, intentionally or not, challenged me to ask myself these questions. So sorry, and thanks, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one, too.
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13 comments:
People pursuing donor gametes or adoption are forced to thing about values that we wouldn't have to otherwise.
It makes you face deep, dark corners where some never need to shine light.
Go easy on yourself and be true to yourself.
Good luck on this journey!
And thanks for your sweet comment on my blog, Anna.
A. I cooked the chicken in a bath of wine, butter and mushrooms. It smelled divine and tasted vaguely like my mouth in the morning before I brush my teeth.
B. Was somebody offended by your using black as an example? If we were using DI, I wouldn't want to have a white baby - that would be weird. And it's not because I hate white people. I mean, I'm about as white as they come, both in skin tone and in stereotypical mannerisms. It's just that my husband is black. I don't think that's weird - I think that's normal.
It is hard to think about what you would value in somebody else's genes. But as a natural instinct we choose partners that we think will contribute something to the gene pool that we want our children to have. So we have already done some choosing - we just have to chose again and this time you don't get to go on a smell or a sense of humor - you have to pick based on what's on a sheet of paper.
I don't think there is any shame in wanting somebody who is like Manny. You want somebody who is smart, who is healthy, who has blue eyes and ten fingers. Now, I would be more freaked if Mann was dark and short and you insisted on picking somebody tall and blonde because you thought it was somehow better. Then I might have to call you Hitler.
And yes, most babies are short :) That cracked me up.
Um, ditto on everything that Io said, except for the part about the chicken.
To my mind, I think that in going for donor sperm, you want to wind up with a baby who looks like they could be the biological baby of both parents. JD is snow white (but not see-through like me) with dark hair and dark eyes. I'd pick someone who looks like JD in the hopes that combined with my egg, the baby would look like a combination of me and JD minus the genetic bad stuff. To wrap up a convoluted answer, I didn't have any problems with what you said.
Io, you've totally nailed it. I'm really struggling with choosing again. I thought I had already done that when I married Manny. And choosing from just a piece of paper feels really weird, and also somehow wrong in a way I can't quite figure out, except that it feels *unnatural*. I've got a ways to go before I truly accept that this is how I'm going to get my baby.
Lori, thanks for your compassion. It's really true that this journey forces one to grapple with things that others never have to even consider. Often I get caught up in thinking that I'm becoming neurotic because of that. Your comment reminds me that this is just the path I'm on, and to be gentle with myself when I'm in those deep, dark corners.
we're just getting to the point in our journey where I'm being confronted with the thought that I might now get pg from hubby's sperm.
We spend so much time imagining our children before IF creeps in, that it can be hard to adjust the picture to include a child that we carry and is from our egg but does not look like our husband.
It's funny, If I used donor sperm I would want to choose some that looked like hubby, but I have no hesitations that if we adopted it would be a non-white baby. Hmm.
oops, might NOT get pg from hubby's sperm i meant to say!
We pursued adoption (unsuccessfully) before DI. I knew I wasn't comfortable adopting an african american baby, or even a mixed child (however I am comfortable w/hispanic...kinda weird, huh?). Anyway, I really think if you have a child who has a different ethnic heritage you have to embrace that culture. I don't think it would be fair to the child.
And yes, it is very important that if we conceive a child through DI that the child look like us. We plan on being totally honest with our child, but we don't want to blurt it out to the world. Adoption is so much more accepted in our society. Donor insemination is a big secret.
Jendeis and lovecomesfirst - you are both totally right about how we imagine our children to look, and how important that becomes to us. And just cause we have to deal with IF doesn't make that go away.
Trace - so true about DI being a big secret. I am really struggling with that right now - I feel like I should speak up about it more, challenge people's ideas, stop it from being a secret (at least in my little corner of the world.) But I am afraid of what some people will say or think about it. I guess I've got enough on my plate right now without worrying about how I should be a DI activist!
The first time we tried DI, we (I) obsessed about every little detail of the possible donors - right down to whether or not they had detached earlobes. We then took a break and switched to a bank that didn't offer quite that level of information but we still tried to find a donor that looked like us. Our biggest reason was that we want it be our child's choice if he discloses to others or not. We know that he may have some problems coming to terms with his conception and he doesn't need the extra stress of constantly explaining why he doesn't look like his father. Once I realized that I was just doing a normal mom thing by doing what I felt was right for my child, it didn't feel quite so creepy.
I won't speak for everyone that uses donor gamates, but for us using donor sperm was a lot about having a baby that looked like us. We are open to adopting at some point, but this time around we wanted to experience the whole process as if we made this baby together. I think if the baby came out a different race it would be really strange (especially since our friends and family don't know we used donor sperm).
The other day my husband actually joked about what we would say to everyone if the baby came out a different race. I've actually thought about it now that my due date is approaching, but we did put a lot of faith in the bank that they didn't screw up!
Trace's last paragraph is dead on.
I can't speak to the DI feelings and quandaries, but I appreciate your honest exploration of your emotions and race. I really think the comments about not forcing your child to constantly explain her/himself before the world due to looks make a lot of sense.
Thanks so much for sharing your interesting and beautiful thoughts with me on intuition. I think you're dead on: we need to listen, while distracting hope with a martini or something.
I'm late to this party, but will chime in anyway. I live and work in DC, and am in about the most integrated community in the country. And yet, when J and I started looking at adoption, I was most terrified about the prospect of raising a black child. This really freaked me out, because I've always considered myself pretty damn open-minded when it came to race. And I couldn't explain to myself why I was more comfortable with the idea of an asian or hispanic baby than a black baby.
This country is still really racially divided between blacks and whites, in a way that is deeper and more profound than other race divisions. But I think if we adopt we will adopt from Ethiopia, and we'll just have to assume a fuck-em-all attitude about it.
For DI, I think it's a lot harder, because you really can pass the baby off as your hubby's bio-child. And I do think preserving the kid's privacy is important, too.
Frankly, I'm impressed at how well you're handling the whole DI thing. We thought about it for awhile, and it's definitely the kind of thing that makes you think about stuff no person should have to consider.
Good luck!
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